BREAKING THE STIGMA ON MISCARRIAGE

For whatever reason, miscarriage is viewed as an extremely taboo subject. Almost as if not talking about it will make it disappear. So, as my contribution to breaking the stigma on miscarriage, this is my story…

Three years, three months, one week, and five days ago our family got the biggest surprise of our lives. Just shy of eight months after giving birth to our first daughter, we found out we were expecting again.

Big Fat Positive

Our Excitement

We were THRILLED to be parents again. Sure, we were scared to have another baby so soon after our first, but we knew this baby was meant to be here. At the time, we were living with some family, so we immediately starting making plans to get our own place. Then followed our baby plans.

The room. The crib. The name.

We wasted no time falling head over heels in love with this unexpected blessing.

Twin Baby Bump

Our excitement grew and grew, almost as fast as my bump! At 7 weeks pregnant, I couldn’t believe how much I was showing. We began to speculate twins (which only made our excitement stronger)!

The day it all changed

After weeks and weeks of going back and forth with my insurance company we FINALLY got an appointment to go see our little monkey(s) on November 14!!!!

The day we found out I miscarried

But neither of us expected what came next. We arrive at the hospital thinking that we were about to see our sweet baby twisting and turning. That we would get to hear his/her heartbeat galloping strong.

We walk into the sonogram room, the tech squeezes the warm jelly on my stomach, and we watch and wait. This sonogram was unlike any of the ones I experienced with our oldest. The tech was quiet… I began to worry. I started to ask if something was wrong…. She didn’t look at me. She didn’t answer. I started to panic. I could tell something wasn’t right. She finally spoke and said, “I’ll be back in a few minutes”, and she walked out.

After what seemed like a lifetime, she came back in to give us the news that would change me forever.

“The sonogram shows two babies. But we can’t find the heartbeat,” she said. “It seems that one baby stopped growing around 5 weeks gestation, and the other around 7 weeks. Both sacs stopped growing on or around the 21ST of last month. I’ll give you a few minutes if you need it.”

Our devastation

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to catch my breath.

I couldn’t speak.

I broke down.

How could this happen? Why me? Why us? What did I do wrong? How could my body betray me?What did we do to deserve this? Am I being punished? What will everyone think? What will they say? HOW will we even tell them?

 

My mind just wouldn’t stop. We had already announced our pregnancy. We told everyone that we were going to see our baby that day. I knew that the texts, phone calls, and messages would start rolling in at any time asking how the appointment went. I couldn’t face it. And yet it didn’t seem real…. until I HAD to tell someone.

I was on the schedule to work that afternoon, and there was NO way that I could go to work in that state of mind. I called my manager and told him why I couldn’t make it. And it hit me 10 times harder.

My OBGYN called and scheduled a follow up for the next week. They said that I may not have been far enough along to see the heartbeat on the ultrasound.

There was hope! Or so I thought.

Twin Angels

“My precious angels 💜 Went for my last u/s today and they confirmed the passing of my monkeys. Mason is on the left and Alex was no longer visible, but the remnants of his sac are on the right. Even though I never got to meet them, they mean just as much to me as my big girl does. #RIPAlex&Mason #mommyofTHREE”

My Boys

My doctor was able to tell us the babies’ genders based on some blood work that was done at my first appointment. Two boys. Two precious baby boys.

The night that we got the news they were boys I had the most vivid dream. My family and I, including our daughter and our sweet baby boys, were fishing. We were all so happy. And in a flash my boys disappeared. I saw a bright light and my dream transitioned into a field full of wildflowers. In the middle of the field were my babies. Running. Laughing. Playing. Things I would never get to see them do.

When I woke up from the dream I immediately knew their names. Mason Andrew and Alexander Mekhi.

I had no symptoms or signs of miscarriage, and still my babies were gone. I would never have the chance to hold them, to sing to them, to play with them, to be their mommy.

The “solution”

Discussions began to “help my body along” since I had experienced a missed miscarriage (miscarriage in which the baby, placenta, etc is not passed naturally). At this point it was becoming too dangerous to carry the twins much longer due to risk of infection. I was given the options of either a D&C (Dilation and Curettage), a surgical procedure during which they would essentially dilate my cervix and clean out my uterus in a similar manner to cleaning out the inside of a pumpkin, or to take a pill that would basically put me in labor and I could “deliver” at home. We chose the D&C for the simple fact that I didn’t want to have to deal with birthing my babies while trying to care for Lana. I didn’t think I was strong enough.

Five weeks after my babies passed, December 2, it was time for my surgery. The day came too soon. I wasn’t ready.

Usually, when I share my story and people find out how long I carried my babies after they passed, they are shocked. But I am so thankful for that time we had together.

Good intentions

The only thing worse than losing my angels, was dealing with the comments that followed.

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“At least you already have one.”

“God just thought you needed more time with your daughter.”

“Well, at least you can still get pregnant.”

“There’s always next time.”

I know people mean well, but these comments were like a stab to my heart EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

I’m typically an optimist, but I was having the HARDEST time seeing the silver lining in this situation. But there is one comment that was sent to me that I didn’t understand at the time, but I do now. I was told that while they understood I was hurting, they also knew that my experience would one day allow me to help other women through THEIR experience. And how right they were!

The Stigma on Miscarriage

Miscarriage is just not something that people talk about. So, when it happens to you, you think you’re the only one. You feel completely alone in what you’re going through.

If I’m being honest, I probably wouldn’t have been so public about my miscarriage if it weren’t for the fact that we had already announced our pregnancy and I couldn’t bear to deal with all the questions that would come when the pregnancy didn’t end with a beautiful little baby.

But from where I’m at today, I’m THANKFUL. I’m thankful that I was able to experience my miscarriage, thankful to carry my boys (even for the short time I did), and thankful that I have been able to be there for my friends who have also been through this.

“Miscarriage” is NOT a bad word. It is NOT uncommon. You are NOT alone.

My Rainbow after the storm

Rainbow after the storm

Two months and five days after my D&C I found out that I was expecting my rainbow baby. I was immediately filled with fear for the well-being of this baby. I prayed harder than I ever had before. And on March 5, 2015 my prayers were answered.

God blessed us with our perfect Rainbow Baby

My perfect little bean. Healthy. Growing. Alive.

The best part was that his due date was October 21, 2015. One year after his big brothers met Jesus.

First time holding my Rainbow Baby

Born a few weeks early, on September 30, my sweet boy, my rainbow, arrived.

My big girl meeting my Rainbow baby

My big girl was finally a big sister.

My Rainbow baby!

And I could finally breathe again.

In order for us to truly break the stigma placed on the subject of miscarriage, we have to speak up and share our stories. Every child’s life matters, no matter the circumstances. To honor each and every angel baby, I would like to open up my blog as a platform to share YOUR story; the story of YOUR angel baby. If you are interested in having your angel baby’s legacy shared on Mama Of Kings, please send me a message on any social media platform or email me at mamaofkings@gmail. com!

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Ariel King

Ariel King is a Stay-At-Home mom to her three children, Lana, Ace, and Norah. Writing and researching are two of her biggest passions. People say that she is full of all kinds of useless knowledge, and it is even rumored she has a Google PhD. She is not a typical mainstream mom, imperfect in every way, but is on a mission to encourage and inspire other moms. Her belief is that no one should feel alone in the day to day of motherhood.

59 thoughts on “BREAKING THE STIGMA ON MISCARRIAGE

  1. I am a man and maybe it is not my place to comment but I wanted to thank for sharing your story; It must be painful. I couldn’t help but be upset at the comments people after the miscarriage such as “everyone happens for a reason” It is insensitive and shows a total lack of compassion on their part. I can’t imagine what your family has gone through but I am sorry you had to face people like that. Just know its a reflection of them and not you. I hope god blesses you and gives you comfort during this time. Dave

    1. Thank you! My miscarriage was a little over three years ago and God has since blessed us with two more little ones. Most days are alright, but I would be lying if I said it doesn’t still hurt.
      Thank you for taking the time to read my story!

  2. ARIEL I CRIED. I cried for you, I cried with you (reading this..). Happy and sad tears. I’m so thankful you shared this. You’re so strong and you have such a beautiful family. You’re babies are watching and all of them love you so much. You’re a warrior, babe! Lots of love.

  3. So sorry that you had to go through this!
    I can’t imagine going through anything like this. And honestly we’ll never know why things like this happen. But I’m so glad that you are able to help anyone else that had gone through a miscarriage and remind them they aren’t alone.

    I’m also glad that you were able to turn this into a way to help other women that have gone through similar situations. It’s never easy to go through this, especially alone.

  4. Thank you for sharing your story with such a sweet happy ending. I have been through a missed miscarriage too. It’s hard and so devastating. You’re right though, we can share our stories, change the stigma, and help other women in the process. That’s our purpose in the pain. Blessings to you and your family and thank you for sharing this.

  5. Thank you for sharing ! Having had 5 miscarriages, years of infertility, 1 rainbow baby, and 1 rainbow baby on the way….been there! Hugs. Not enough women are speaking about this so called taboo topic. Thanks for speaking. Would you ever so humbly consider following me so that we can help each other spread hope to women? Thanks in advance!

    1. Congratulations on your newest blessing! I definitely think more women should be speaking out! I have received several messages from women sharing their stories, and later this week I will be featuring one particular story that spoke to me, so be on the look out!

    1. I LOVE that more and more people are discussing their losses! Women need a good sense of solidarity, even more so in this day and age of social media. I am definitely interested in checking out your story! Thanks for sharing!

  6. Thank you for sharing your story! I have never been through this but was so touched by how open and honest you are with what you have been through. You are one strong mama!

    1. Awe, thank you. It was incredibly difficult to write, but SO therapeutic. A part of me knew that someone needed to hear it. If for no other reason than to show them that they weren’t alone in THEIR experience.

  7. I’m so sorry for what you went through! I lost my first baby at 11 weeks gestation. It is not an easy thing to share, but I think more women should feel like it’s ok to talk about. Since I started sharing my story it has helped me connect with other moms that have gone through similar experiences. Thanks for being so open!

    1. Yes! I love all of the connections that have come from me sharing my boys’ story! I definitely agree that more women should be speaking out, but with it being such a taboo subject for so long, I am sure it will take time. I would love to hear your story!

  8. Oh, momma, I know how you felt/feel, we lost our first pregnancy 7 weeks into our marriage. We now have one son who just turned 10 years old, he is my rainbow baby and my world! Reading your story brought back a lot of memories and the trials we had just to get pregnant and stay pregnant. So glad God sends us rainbows 🙂

    1. I’m so sorry you had to endure that! And right at the beginning of your marriage 😩 Congratulations on your sweet rainbow!! Definitely extremely appreciative! 🙌🏻

  9. I had three successive pregnancies, spaced out 8 months from birth ( my mom nicknamed me Fertile Myrtle ). I lost sweet baby Kindall at 12 weeks along on Mother’s Day 10 years ago this May. Like you, I had fallen in love with him already. I was already wearing maternity clothes, already singing songs to him, cradling my belly, picking out colors and themes for his nursery.

    My heart still breaks and tears still flow every time I read stories like yours.

    Sometimes I sit still and watch my son and daughter going about their day to day activities. I imagine what these moments would be like if their little brother were here.

    I don’t understand why miscarriage is so taboo. Except for the ER nurse, everyone acted like it was no big deal to lose a child. I was completely devastated and couldn’t believe the harsh things that were said. Even the well-meaning people were so blasé about it.

    Thank you for sharing your story and your blessings.

    1. I am so sorry for your loss. My pregnancies are typically spaced around 8 months post-partum, which also dubbed me a Fertile Myrtle.
      I imagine what my life would be like with all five of my babies here on earth. I know that my life would be even crazier now, and honestly I probably wouldn’t even have my youngest two children if my pregnancy hadn’t failed with the twins.
      Thank you for reading and sharing a piece of your story as well!

  10. Thank you for sharing your story and your testimony. I know it has and will continue to help many. As I write this, I’m holding my rainbow grandson. He is 16 months old now.

  11. Blessings and BIG Love to you, Momma. As a fellow traveler on the mothering journey, I am all too familiar with this loss, twice. Thank you for sharing your journey, and I agree – the more we talk about this, the more we can empower others to embrace this healing journey. Much Love, Xo, Evelyn, PathofPresence.com

  12. First, I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your two sons. Second, thank you for being so brave to share your story because awareness is definitely needed about this very subject. And finally, thank you for letting every parent out there know that this matters and that they are not alone. Congrats on your newest bundle of joy!

    1. Thank you so much! I just remember feeling so alone when I was going through my miscarriage, and no one should feel that way. My rainbow baby is actually 2 1/2 now and a big brother himself!

  13. Oh gosh, I read this whole thing and felt like I was holding my breath…bless you and your family for overcoming such a painful experience and sharing it so openly with others…it’s such a shame that there is still so much stigma around miscarriages, and so much pain and guilt felt…thank God that you were blessed with another beautiful child…I wish you and your family all the best 💖

    1. Thank you so much. <3 I found SO much healing in sharing this. I was still carrying so much hurt and didn't even realize it until I clicked "publish". The second I did I felt a release and felt like one thousand pounds was lifted off of me. God has been so faithful to my family and I during this whole experience. We have since had another sweet little baby bringing our grand total to 5 including the twins!

  14. It took me few days to finish reading this. I feel the pain of miscarriage, although I havent experienced one, and praying I won’t. However, I too is a mom of an Angel, 3 weeks before my baby is due, God let us see her for 17 hours and He took her from us. The most agonizing and terifying feeling I ever felt. She was a perfect baby from the very first day, until that day of my last pre-natal check up. My Ob saw her heartbeat was too fast, so we rush to the Hospital. They doctors couldn’t find what was wrong as every test we had was all great, all her organs was great except for her heartbeat. And no specialist in that Hospital could determine why.
    Today, I am still scared to even look at pregnant women, I am scared of the thought that what happened to me might happen to them. Time don’t heal a broken heart, it does lessen the pain, but stories like yours is like a blade cutting open my wound again. But I know living in the past wont bring her back, I just have to continue looking forward and living my life in the present, praying that one day my Angel will come back to us once more.

    1. Oh my word… My heart breaks for you, Crisly. I can’t even imagine the pain you went through… I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. Whenever I see someone announce their pregnancy early on, I have flashbacks to my experience. I am terrified to know that they could possibly lose their baby and have to “come out” in the way that we did. It brings me a lot of peace knowing that my boys’ story is touching so many people. Praying for you, hun!

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